I bet doom scroll meant something way cooler in the middle ages.
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My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
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Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
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GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.