I bet doom scroll meant something way cooler in the middle ages.
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[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
The government even made aliens boring
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Love this one 😂🧟
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.