I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
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Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.