Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
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When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Things I hate
Me: I’ve read the Bible cover to cover
Her: Yeah? Prove it.
H: What is the first sentence in it?
M: “Do not remove from motel”
wife: my water’s broke
me: *parched* oh thank god
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other
[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family