I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
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gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Tier 3 meme
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.