I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

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Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.


When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.


Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*


Me: I’ve read the Bible cover to cover

Her: Yeah? Prove it.

M: How?

H: What is the first sentence in it?

M: “Do not remove from motel”


Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*


serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?


[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family