I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
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[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
But wait…
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.