Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

TODAY