Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?

*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*

ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

Coworker: You look angry.

Me: I’m not.

CW: Really angry.

Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE

Please bear with my nonsense…

…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.