Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!