I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
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Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I have so many questions.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering