Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911