I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
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My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas
u cant trick me .. i know its a car
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Friday night party time 🥳
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run