Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too