I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
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I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Breaking news:
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
notice
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
☠️
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….