I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
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It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
girls literally only want one thing..
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
