I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
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keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
How times have changed.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)