I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
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Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Venn
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?