Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.