I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
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text from my dad when lebron broke the record
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.