I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
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The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.