I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
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I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Ladies, why y’all do this?
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.