I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
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I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell