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Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
That took me a moment.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me