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I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.