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For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
getting seasonal up in here
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911