Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

Every work call, he judges.

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
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Not yet
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Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth