I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
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had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
channeling her this year
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.