Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.

After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it