Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

Lmfao

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

There are no pants in heaven.

Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.

Probably.

If I can just remember where the hell…

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie