Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

kevin is now a local weatherman

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”