Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

BETRAYAL

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.

Start the year as you intend to continue.

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break