I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
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When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes