I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
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If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.