I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
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For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Today’s Times
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.