Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.