I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
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Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
no!! no!!!!!!
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”