I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
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Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.