I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
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My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
yikes
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.