Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
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her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
my retirement plan is braless
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.