I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
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The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.