I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
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If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows