Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat