I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
You Might Also Like
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent