I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
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You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends