I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

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Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.


If you think you are having a bad day just remenber the guy on the Titanic who falls off the ship and hits the propellor on the way down.


[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that


You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half


BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?


Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!


CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office


CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet


CIA: also someone in here leaked info


CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party


CIA: also someone’s a spy


Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.


Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?” She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.