@Carter_TCB

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

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@_ElvishPresley_

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

@Jamberee13

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

@SteveSuckington

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

@Breadery

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

@GensPlace

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

@Book_Krazy

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

@Schmoodles

Whenever I meet a guy named Paul, I ask if it’s short for Paula, then I laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & making friends is hard. 🙁

@Seinfeld2000

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

@Dutch_50

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable