@Carter_TCB

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

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@DurtMcHurtt

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

@Dustinkcouch

brain: hahaha! just thought of something funny

me: ok hold onto it until i can write it dow-

brain: i don’t want to die. i want to be alive so i can think about never dying. i do not want me to end

me: was that the funny thing?

brain: what funny thing? is heaven real

@shatterpants

I like to tell people “it’s a black thing, you wouldn’t understand.”And they’d be all “but you’re white”
I told ya you wouldn’t understand.

@KalvinMacleod

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

@tyleroakley

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

@Rollinintheseat

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

@SvnSxty

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

@Robert_Beau

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

@jonnysun

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple