@Carter_TCB

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

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@Reverend_Scott

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

@gianni_bcn

If you think you are having a bad day just remenber the guy on the Titanic who falls off the ship and hits the propellor on the way down.

@seancehat

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

@KylePlantEmoji

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

@scot7a

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

@Marlebean

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

@continentlbkfst

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

@sirivan

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

@CauseWereGuys

Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?” She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.