[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
You Might Also Like
brain: hahaha! just thought of something funny
me: ok hold onto it until i can write it dow-
brain: i don’t want to die. i want to be alive so i can think about never dying. i do not want me to end
me: was that the funny thing?
brain: what funny thing? is heaven real
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I like to tell people “it’s a black thing, you wouldn’t understand.”And they’d be all “but you’re white”
I told ya you wouldn’t understand.
Friend: u around this weekend
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple