Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
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It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Whenever I meet a guy named Paul, I ask if it’s short for Paula, then I laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & laugh & making friends is hard. 🙁
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable