Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

Reminder:

[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]

Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.

[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]

Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.