I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
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A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
My nickname in high school was “who?”
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
British people
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information