Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.