Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line

an octopus is just a wet spider

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.

That woman has no sense of humour.

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day

The “baby” on the left….

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving