i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
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Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
TODAY
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Good advice.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.