I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
You Might Also Like
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Not with that attitude
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
thank god the sign was there
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn