I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
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We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Potatoes were such a good idea
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
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