I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
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BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster