I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
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I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM