I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
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Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
When ur friends with white people
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.