I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
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ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.