@farahfergie

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

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@WheelTod

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

@SteveKoehler22

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

@Maxine12333

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

@psybermonkey

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

@neiltyson

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

@RackOfSteel

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

@rantingmd

googling ways to dispose of a body,mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen

@suntzufuntzu

The software tracking your browsing has fallen in love with you; it doesn’t mind if you don’t click the ads, it just hopes they please you.

@PortRooster

Buddy of mine dropped some acid… Burnt a hole in the floor… He was tripping for days!