I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

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Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.


What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.


Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.


Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?



Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.


Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69


googling ways to dispose of a body,mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen


The software tracking your browsing has fallen in love with you; it doesn’t mind if you don’t click the ads, it just hopes they please you.


Buddy of mine dropped some acid… Burnt a hole in the floor… He was tripping for days!