Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

#dalle2

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

Before & after 😅

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.