Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.