Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich

Therapist:

Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon

Therapist:

Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think

Therapist:

Me: Why do you look so sad

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Digital security in Ancient Troy

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.