I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
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We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Dolls on drugs
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results