Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

date: what’s your dream job?

me: designing food stats for RPGs

date: umm ok… *sips water*

me: [under breath] -2 thirst

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister