Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

Don’t tell me what to do

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.

*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look