I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
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I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
