I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
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Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry