Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first

This is me 🤣🤣

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog

Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather

[Earlier]

Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.