Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.