I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
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Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Not all heroes wear capes.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.