I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
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[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Happy Star Wars day!
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye