I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
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For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.