I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
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Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.