Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

Merica.

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]