I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
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A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.