@DepecheALAmode

I bet Matt McConaughey isnt aware he’s in movies. His agent drops him off & hes like “Ha-Allright..this is my life now? Cool camera broski!”

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@LackOfShame

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

@Bob_Janke

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

@WillGlenwright

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

@GingerHotDish

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

@sixfootcandy

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

@turtledumplin

Just had a customer giving me his email and he said “E as in X-ray” 😭

@mela_shea

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

@ClichedOut

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here