I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
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*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I ain’t wearing no wire
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack