I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
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Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.