I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
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Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground