I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
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My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.