Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

The news

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.