I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
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Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
United Steaks of America
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
#Caturday
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute